My thoughts are mean
Angry
Hurtful

When I look around me I feel
Angry
Unkind
Destructive
Dangerous

I am not who I was a few days ago
A few hours ago
That self would
Advise this self to lock himself in a room somewhere

I should not be in public right now
Not driving a car
Which I know I’m driving too fast
But I do it anyway
I don’t recognize my impulses
My thoughts are foreign
Aggressive

I know this is all a misfire of brain chemistry but when I think of myself as sick
I am led down a path that frightens me
Self loathing
Self recrimination
A madness beyond my control
To stop
And beyond my fortitude
To accept

Now I get angry
Red fire nuclear angry
At my insurance company for charging so much for the med of choice.
At the overreaching physician and his short shrift change in prescription that has me in hell
At myself for not wielding my trust more wisely

Remain stoic as tears drip slowly onto the child seat of the shopping cart.
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Say nothing
Surely the strangers will remain silent as they change the treasure map to avoid whatever aisle I’m on.

Acknowledge nothing
They are too far away to see the shaking
Too isolated to feel the nearly electric seething that seems to start in the soul and begs for your body to contain it.
And the nausea

That motherfucker!

This is not what fine looks like

When will this pass
This has to pass
Has to wear off eventually
Doesn’t it?

What if this is as good as it gets from here on out

No. I will not go down that road either
I do everything I can to slam down the barriers on causeways
Too unthinkable to traverse
Too unthinkable for now. But what if it doesn’t wear off?

What if it gets worse?
The morning didn’t start off like this
The afternoon brought good news
Yet here I am
Walking in circles to spare the ones I care about.
To shield them from what. I am today.

Trying to walk off the prescription like an accidental poison.
Now I understand the words on the bottle.
Now I am become the warning on the Prozac label.

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